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The 2008 American Larrikin Award

Welcome to The Bawdy Cloister's Third Annual American Larrikin Award presentation.  Each year, in observance of Australia Day one American citizen will be recognized for their Aussie spirit:

The larrikin is almost archly self-conscious, too smart for his or her own good, witty rather than humorous, bending rules and sailing close to the wind, taking the piss out of people, cutting down tall poppies, larger than life, skeptical, iconoclastic, egalitarian yet suffering fools badly, insouciant and, above all, defiant. -- Clem Gorman

Each year the winner of the award has their name permanently attached to the coveted Cowboy Lamb Chop.

Lambchop_cowboy

So without further ado, let the ceremony begin...

Over the past decade, Americans of all shapes and sizes have enjoyed listening to Bud Lite's now legendary "Real Men of Genius" radio spots.  While all other advertisers exert great energy trying to get us to recognize them, Bud Lite does just the opposite by shining the spotlight on us: Mr. Way Too Much Cologne Wearer, Mr. Underwear Inspector No. 12, Mr. Tiny Dog Clothing Manufacturer-- the list goes on and on.  Indeed, since the beginning of this campaign Bud Lite has saluted nearly every American male at least once.  We here at the Bawdy Cloister only thought it appropriate to return the favor by recognizing the copywriter that created this ingenious campaign. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm proud to announce that this year's American Larrikin Award goes to Bob Winter!!!

Bobwinter2

Congratulations!

In the Pool II

Just a quick update.  I was never called onto a panel yesterday and was sent on my way.  Since I showed up and sat there for the better part of a day though I got $6 and a certificate saying I'm free from duty for the next three years.  Hurray.

There is one little story that came out of the whole ordeal.  99.9% of folks I was sitting with brought some form of reading material.  There were a lot of books and just as many newspapers.  As for myself, I brought along my copy of Chinese Eunuchs: The Structure of Intimate Politics.  By the time we were released I'd read the thing cover to cover.  More on that later.  My point is, most folks sat quietly reading.  That is, except for a group of five people sitting near me who talked very loudly.  Most of the banter was about local news, a recent fire that swept through some stores, and who knows who that knows someone effected and what not.  But then the conversation turned to travel.

The lady next to me works for some eco-tourism lodge in Costa Rica.  She claims she flies out of country a lot for work.  The others around her have flown a time or two also and everyone started bemoaning how flying is no fun anymore now that security is so ramped up.  Stories of missed flights and so forth were shared.  Then the lady who flies "a lot" stated that the last time she went through Dallas they had this new machine that she had to walk into and it blew air on her.  She said, "I still have no clue what its purpose was."

I don't fly much at all, but even I knew she was talking about the explosive detection device known as the "Puffer," more formally called an Explosive Detection Security Portal or EDSP.  It's purpose, of course is to detect trace amounts of explosives on terrorists who forget to change clothes and shower after building a bomb.  As someone who hardly ever flies, I just assumed that the basic function of the gadgets was common knowledge.  Apparently not.  After the lady posed the question, two people said they had no idea what it could be.  A third said it was probably related to explosives, then added, "The air probably sets off the explosives and the chamber contains the explosion."  I damn near bit off my tongue trying not to laugh as I overheard that one.  But then a fourth person chimed in, "No, no, that's not it."  For a second I thought he might be a voice of reason coming to the rescue, "The air blows all the dust out of your hair and clothes to make sure you're not contaminated by foreign microbes."  The other four nodded in agreement, one muttered, "Yeah, that makes a lot more sense.  That's probably it."  "I'm sure it is." the fourth guy proclaimed.

Not more than 10 minutes later, the fourth guy's name was called to decide the facts in a legal case.

And now, as promised, here's what I took away from my book on Chinese Eunuchs--

Stay far away from Hung pills!!!

The Way of Hung consisted of a secret formula for producing Hung pills, which were also known by a more euphemistic name (Hsien T'ien Tan Ch'ion).  The menstrual discharges of beautiful maidens, thirteen or fourteen years old, were gathered in gold and silver vessels and transferred to a mortar, where wu mei shuei, a compote of smoked-half-ripe plums, was added.  In such cases, maidens with course hair or throaty masculine voices or those who had been sick were carefully avoided.  The strange concoction was then dried seven times and finally heated after adding powdered milk, cinnabar, imported pine resin, and dried and powdered human waste....

[T]he Emperor's addiction to Hung pills had ill and far-reaching effects.  For instance, Emperor Mu Tsung, his successor, became a regular user of the pills at the advice of the eunuchs and, as a result, let his genius run to waste.  Emperor T'ai Ch'ang, in whom the people placed great hope, died the same night he took these pills during an illness. 

--Chinese Eunuchs by Taisuke Mitamura, pp. 120-122

In the Pool

This is my first attempt at posting from my iPhone. Right now I'm nearing my fifth hour sitting and waiting on my name to be called in the jury pool. Now, I'm not too keen on the idea of actually getting empaneled on a jury. My only hope at this point is getting struck in voir dire. (I've already postponed this day once back in November so as to keep my date with Donald Johanson and Lucy... so now I'm just hoping that the lawyers don't like me and send me on my way.)

I've used the two month deferment to my advantage. That is, I haven't trimmed my beard and my hair has grown completely over my ears. Also, on my little questionnaire I listed my religion as Unitarian and when asked if I'd ever been accidentally injured requiring medical attention, I answered yes. Further explained it as "blunt force trauma", when asked to describe the incident. I didn't go into depth and say, "I dropped a dish on my big toe and wanted to ensure I hadn't broken it."

I'm also trying to be strategic with the choice of reading material I brought with me. I think a big hairy Unitarian wielding a copy of "Chinese Eunuchs: The Structure of Intimate Politics" would give an attorney on one side or the other some pause.

At any rate, I'll let ya'll know how it all pans out if and when I'm freed.

Back Online

Okay, I've got the computer set up at the new Cloister, but I've got a long way to go with the move.  We've got all the "big stuff" over.  By big stuff I mean anything that requires two or more people to carry.  What's left is about a gazillion truck loads of books, pictures, electronics, stuffed animals, clothes, dishes and much much more.  Problem is we know it's not all going to fit.  I mentioned before the new place is only 1,600 square feet whereas the old place was 2,600 square feet.  The plan is to prioritize what we've got, crunch what we can into the house, anything left over we'll pack neatly into the garage, and if there's anything we can get rid of we get rid of it.

On the bright side, the new place is coming together quickly and nicely.  That's because we're filling boxes and unloading them as we go.  The stuff gets to where it belongs fast and we save a bunch of $$$ by reusing the boxes.

We're so going to deserve a housewarming party when this is all done.

Offline

This is the big transition weekend.  The fridge, washer, dryer, dining table, computer, TV and the rest of the necessities are moving to the new Cloister.  I'll be without internet Friday and Saturday, but should be plugged back in sometime Sunday.  Don't miss me too much!

Move

Election Reflection

Barack Obama cost me another peaceful night's sleep after last week's Iowa caucus.  You might remember my post written last May where I recounted a dream I had of the guy (it's also when we here at the Bawdy Cloister officially endorsed Bill Richardson's candidacy-- can't believe that's been eight months ago!)

Over those months I've hoped that folks would catch on to the fact that Bill Richardson has the best resume of all the Democratic candidates.  When I talked to people individually, both Republicans and Democrats, they liked what they heard.  But ultimately my talks always ended with a question I could never answer, "Why isn't he a contender?"

In my mind he still is a contender.  I hoped somewhere during the countless debates or on the campaign trail something would trigger a surge in his popularity.  But after his poor showing in Iowa last week I came to terms with the possibility that he may not make it to the end.  Don't get me wrong, if he's still on the ticket when I get my chance to vote in March, he's got my full support.  I realize though that I need to start putting thought into a second choice.

In my post last May I discussed my gut reaction to the top three Democratic contenders.  It's time to take a look at them more analytically:

Hilldog

Hillary Clinton

Even before the candidates threw their hats in the ring, I knew I'd vote for ANYBODY but Hillary Clinton et vir.  I supported Bill Clinton back in 1992.  That was the first Presidential election I was old enough to vote in and I was an outspoken supporter.  I canvassed neighborhoods, organized rallies and even pretended to recognize Tommy Lee Jones when he made a surprise celebrity appearance in Clinton's San Antonio headquarters.  Keep in mind in 1992 Tommy was a virtual nobody and I was disappointed because when they announced his name I was expecting Jamie Lee Curtis to walk in the door.

But I digress.  The reason I was so pumped for Clinton at that time is because he represented change.  After 12 years of Republican rule I simply wanted a Democrat in office-- any Democrat.  I read his book Putting People First in which he outlined his vision.  I disagreed with some of what he proposed (most memorably his support for NAFTA,) but I agreed with the majority of it. In retrospect, I agreed with less than I realized because I was too young to understand his plan for national health care, welfare reform and other complex issues where the devil's in the details.

Very soon after his election he delivered the first of many disappointments when he enacted "Don't Ask Don't Tell."  In his book he stated his ardent support for Gay & Lesbian Rights; once in office he caved in quickly.  My Dad, Old Methodist Theologian, argued with me that half a loaf is better than none.  I took his point under advisement.  But soon I realized how quick Clinton was to concede to the right.  Hillary's proposed health care reform was the epitome of such compromise by allowing HMOs and pharmaceutical companies to continue to wield power even after "reform."  What's worse, as Clinton ceded ground in his spirit of compromise, the Republicans took full advantage to shift ever further to the right.

By the end of Clinton's first administration I was no longer his supporter.  Lesson learned, there is no compromising with Republicans because you only make them stronger.  Needless to say, I didn't think Clinton deserved a second term, he sure doesn't deserve a third.

Obama

Barack Obama

It's no surprise to me that this guy has the support he has from the youth.  He speaks passionately about change and he's a fresh face on the scene.  His audience swoons at his words as I did listening to Bill Clinton speak of change back in '92.  But he's also waving big red flags.  He speaks incessantly about working hand-in-hand with Republicans.  Note to Barack- the Republicans are weaker now than they have been in ages.  Now's the time to strike back and regain lost territory.  There's indiscreet ways of doing so too without turning off independents and Republicans.  Make a list of 5 popular ideas with mass appeal and charge!  There's absolutely no need now to mention the words "compromise" and "Republican" in the same sentence.  Of course I fear a repeat of Clinton's first administration with Obama.

But there are other red flags waving.  The guy is inexperienced and naive.  A few years in the Illinois legislature and half a term in the U.S. Senate (half of that half spent on the Presidential campaign trail) may make for a great orator, but it's not a happy resume for the highest executive position in the nation.  I was surprised more people didn't write him off as a quack last summer when he started speaking recklessly about foreign affairs.  Bill Clinton at least had strong executive experience and demonstrable achievements in his work record.  Moreover he had the common sense to know when to keep his trap shut before saying something inflaming.

Jed

John Edwards

Key difference between John and Barack is that John has some fight to him.  You won't hear him talk of compromise with the Republicans.  He's an advocate.

Problem with John is that he's got little more experience than Barack.  He hasn't slipped up in his oratory yet, but hasn't proven himself as a leader either.  As much as I like what John has to say, he's got as good a chance at winning in the end as Bill Richardson.  Rather than blather on more, I'll just go ahead and cut him out of consideration.

The Decision

Oh, my God.... 

You don't want to see me when I'm angry

Hulk

Keep firearms, sharp objects and small pets away from me please.  I'm heated.

As I've mentioned several times, we're in the middle of an unexpected move.  The lease on my new place started yesterday and the lease on the old place is up on the 31st.  So today is one hell of a time to be told that the owners on my old place have changed their mind and don't intend to sell!!

Property Manager: "I know this is an awkward subject, but the husband wanted to sell and the wife had him change his mind, so if it's not too late, they'd like to extend their lease with you."

Me:  "Aww shit."

I never cuss when I'm doing business.  But I'm bound by my new lease and now have to move into the house across the street that's 1,000 square feet smaller than the one I'm currently in; I just paid several thousand dollars unexpectedly and NOW they tell me I didn't have to move after all!!!

I'm livid.